Waking Nightmare

I know I have to be strong. I know that I have to be a better person. But I know I failed as a husband and somehow as a friend. And no one told me. Now I live this nightmare every day.

I dont know if she remembers, but Mrs. Zebra would keep me calm when I would wake from nightmares where she was gone, and I was alone. She would tell me that "We are stuck, you and me. Im not going anywhere." I wake from short stints of sleep, screaming or crying, and its not a dream. Its my reality. The one thing keeping me going through all the bullshit was her. When I came to after my tumor surgery, and she was there, I knew I had to be tough. I know that if I cant fix myself in time to save our marriage, I wont survive. I know because its already happening.

I was diagnosed with PTSD a couple of weeks ago. Something I saw while visiting friends made me see things I had repressed, including times the love of my life and I argued. I wish I could tell her. I would relive abuse from my childhood and block it out. She would get the brunt of it until I came to. Her depression and her PTSD was worse than she let on. If she had told me, I would have dropped everything to get her the help she needed. But she is gone.

I lost my job on Friday.  The car she left me will be repoed soon. I dont know what to do. And I cant even tell if Im awake or asleep. No one seems real. Between the lack of sleep, and the one thing that kept me grounded for the past 10 years being ripped away from my life, I cant function. I just want a chance to work it out with my love. Maybe court online. Something. I just need her. I want to heal her. But if I cant get passed this, I dont know what to do. I cant live without her.

She is my PTSD safe place. And she doesnt even know it. So Im slowly going insane. No one I know knows my pain. She is my soulmate. I want to go to her so bad. If she would just talk to me, and tell me she loves me, and she wants to work things out, I dont care how long it takes. I will do whatever I have to. But how do you prove that your mental issues are under control?

The day she left, she told me she loved me.

I have to believe she was telling me the truth.

But the hospital scares me. I dont have anyone to support me now.

Without her, I have no reason to live. Half a man is useless. So I am useless. This may be my last post. Ive started my last letters to friends and family if things turn that way. I dont plan on it, but she means the universe to me. I could live in a box, and as long as Im with her, I dont care.
Two months ago, we decided our girl would be named Olivia. Our son, Benjamin. I cant just let that go.
I pray that she cant either, and is just very ill. I want her to let me focus on her, and not the other way around.
If you are reading this, my love, and I dont know if you are, know that we have been  through worse. You just dont remember. And we can get through this, together. Ill come to you. Ill support us. Thats what YOU need. I dont care how sick I am, I am nothing without you. Just knowing that your love is strong is all I need. Ill do the rest. Know that.

Every day is a living nightmare. Something I have dreaded for a decade. Please, my love, just talk to me.

I love you.

Please know that.

I will be checking in to a inpatient facility soon. I have to work the courage to. And Im afraid to be evicted. I just dont know what to do after my brother dying, the love of my life leaving, the memories flooding back, and the job loss. You are my anchor, just you. I know you dont think you are a good wife. I dont know who told you that, but even at MY worse, I never said that. You are the best. The best for me. The best for us.

Im not making sense.

-The lost zebra

My life is falling apart

I saw my wife last night.


She was sitting right next to me.

She looked so worried.

I was having an asthma attack, and I leaned into where she normally sits, and when her soft and warm body didn't stop me, I jumped back and she was there, so worried. Then she was gone. Just like that. I want to kill myself. I have no purpose without her. She is what drove me to get better. She's who made sure I could support us. Without her, my life has little meaning. I miss her more than words can describe. She used to tell me "Look, you are stuck with me. Im not going anywhere." usually after a nightmare of her leaving. Now, she is gone.
The therapist said it was most likely a reaction of the trazadone I had just taken, and cortisol on a stressed out mind. Id like to think maybe, just maybe, she was dreaming of me. Probably not.

Ill forgive her
Its ok
I understand
I just need you
Without you, breathing is a chore
Without you, there is no point in getting out of bed
I don't want to eat
or bathe
or anything
To be rejected by the one person who loves you more than anything
The one person who said that no matter what, no matter how sick we were, that they would be there
And for unconfirmed reasons, she's just gone.
I have the phone tied to me at all times, just waiting for a phone call that never comes
Waiting for an email that never arrives
A text message 3 weeks late in arriving
And any day, both our phones will be turned off
And that will be the end, Im sure

To boot, I walked in the door, and Dr. Phil was on, because I leave the sound on the TV for when I wake up, and come home, and he was talking to someone about their PTSD and taking it out on his wife. And I lost it.
I didnt mean for any of this to happen
I was seeking help
So was she.
Why not let us go to counseling?
Why not talk to me?

And then Allsup decided to drop me for disability.
Ill have to become homeless to get any help.
Guess thats the next step.

She was here, and then gone
Maybe next time, we can talk
Maybe next time, she will stay
Dr says that wouldn't be good, for her to appear and talk to me
I don't think I would be too upset.

I crushed my ladybug

Thats what her nickname was. Ladybug. Our first night in Seattle, I ran and made a copy of the key to our home, and gave her a ladybug key. She loved that key. I crushed my ladybug. I drove her away. I didnt mean to. Im sick. But I didnt have the tools to control my cortisol-fuled temper. 

Ive been bawling nonstop for an hour. She wont pick up my phone. If she would, Id call her. If I wants afraid of making her mad, I would call her. BUt I am. I need her so bad. And shes gone. The one who stood by me when I was covered in urine and blood from brain surgery. Shes gone. Because the surgery didnt fix me, and because no one gave me tools to fight the mood swings. The most wonderful women in the world left me. 

She took half of me with her, all the good parts. 

Im left in pain, a pain so deep I will never escape. 

I dont deserve to. 

I deserve to die. 

And we have ice on the roads tomorrow. 

convenient, I think. 

One can hope to be sideswyped...

Alone and Sick

Today was especially hard. Mrs. Zebra would help me out on days like this. I honestly dont know how I even made it to work and home. On days like today, she would drive me to work or I would get enough support that I could barely make it in, and would let me relax when I got home. I fell out of bed this morning. I literally had to crawl to my steroids and take some. My memory decided to elude me and I couldnt find my cane. It was in the car. The last week, Ive been on a steroid high, my adrenals working overtime. They are gone now; empty. Drove like 10 under the speed limit all the way to work, after running late as it was. Just couldnt get going. I hurt constantly, but worse now. Depression really does hurt. After work, I had to pick up an Rx so I stopped by the store on the way home. It took me an hour to pick up a frozen pizza, and my Rx. All the electric carts were taken. My brain fog was in full effect as I wondered the 20°F parking lot for nearly 20 min, because I couldnt remember where I parked. Turns out I passed it twice, once being when I exited the store. I called my dad today, and he just told me to "get over" my illness. Because brain tumors are easy to ignore, right?

I usually cheerfully take these trials on, knowing my sweetheart is home waiting to hug me. I have no reason to live now. Why fight?

What is the point?

Depressed and in pain Zebra. 

So hard

I saw the therapist today. He saved me from the psych ward. The doctor saw me break down from entering the clinic, since the moon of my life wasn't there, and wanted to admit me. He brokered a deal where I give my firearms to a friend. Hopefully I can get some tools to recognize the physical symptoms of the hulk before I wake up him again, so I can at least escape and not hurt anyone. While I try and hold it together, read this. 

My Wichita Girl

She is my world

She came into my life

Then became my wife

It was us against the world

Me and My Wichita Girl

I was in a dark place

And then I saw her face

Her dimpled smile

blond hair blue eyes

and a body to die for

I had to speak to her

Then she messaged me

That wichita girl.

When we first met

my heart skipped a beat

I couldn't believe it

She really drove to met me

She became my world

My wichita girl

When my mama died

When my brain did fry

When I almost died

she was standing right beside me

When I couldn't walk

When I couldn't talk

when I needed a helping hand

She is the best wife in the land

My wichita girl

Now Im all alone

Now Im on my own

A broken man

That great big blonde

is broken too

and just couldn't withstand

But I still pine

and dream at night 

For my wichita girl.

The Void and The Sun

"Moon of my Life."

Kahl Drogo

"My Sun and Stars."

―Daenerys Targaryen

What do you do when you sun, moon, and stars disappear from your sky? I am so sorry for not keeping this up. The last year has been very bad for Mr and Mrs Zebra. We have been waiting for my disability to come, and we got another denial letter, this time denial for an appeal. Mrs. Zebra had finally gotten into a therapist to cope with her anxiety, and as of Jan 1, had both health and mental health available. This is why we moved here: so we could both have the help we needed. But she couldn't hold on I guess. 

After planning Thanksgiving dinner with close friends, after holding me and telling me how much she loved me, after tell me I was "her big heater" and "I'll see you when you come home" after all of this, I found our home empty of the warmth and happiness that is my Mrs Zebra. Nothing but a note: "I am leaving you. I will not be back. I am safe." I have not heard from her since 9am on 11/27/13. She is avoiding everyone's calls and voicemails. I hope she really is safe. 

After speaking with our doctor, because we share one, all I could come up with was that she was more depressed than she let on. Maybe it is because she didn't want to bother me, or pull me down. I hope some day I will know. But when they changed her meds, she got so much worse. She must be in so much pain, because I know I am. I just want to hold her and stroke her hair and love on her. Her well being is all I care about. I only want to improve myself so I can be the pillar on which she can lean. I want to be her strength when she is weak. 

What do you do when your sun, moon, and stairs are suddenly gone from your life? The gaping maw of a black hole left when best part of you is ripped away with no explanation, no advance warning, and no immediate recourse? Without my love, my darling, I am a shell of a man, condemned to wander the endless void, looking for my lost soul mate. I know people say that you must be your own person, and I think maybe she lost herself in me, but I lost myself in her, weaving myself in her magical fibers, bathing in the wonderment that was her mind and body. When we touch, when I hear her smooth, silky voice, my world is complete. I can die happy each and every time she whispers in my ear "I love you. I will never leave you." She told me over and over I would never come home to this. But I am, and I am left to hope that she will contact me and someday, we can work this out. 

Almost 10 years of being with the most wonderful person I have ever known. She wasn't perfect, but I had learned and was learning to accept her for what she was, and in that she was perfect. -IS- perfect. The maw is so deep, it so fracturing my crushed soul, it feel as if she is lost for good. But if there is to be any repair of the bridge that connected our two hearts, she cannot come home to a broken man: the broken man who didn't realize he had become dependant on her to prop my illness up. No, not again. I am going to a therapist on Monday. I know he cant give me the answers I need. Only she can. But maybe he can help me find the man she married again, and present that to her again some day. Maybe she will get over her pain and anxiety, or learn how to communicate her feelings to those who want her to be happy. All I know for sure is I love her deeply, deeper than the deepest oceans, and I will not give up on us. I will give her the time she needs, and pray to whatever is out there to tell her I love her and miss her. 

What I know is that my sun, moon, and stars are gone. And the void is here. Deeper and darker than ever before. I want to tell her so bad, the feelings I have inside. To borrow from Staind:

My love, 

You're my world, the shelter from the rain
You're the pills that take away my pain
Youre the light that helps me find my way
You're the words when I have nothing to say

And in this world where nothing else is true
Here I am still tangled up in you
I'm still tangled up in you
Still tangled up in you

You're the fire that warms me when Im cold
You're the hand I have to hold as I grow old
You're the shore when I am lost at sea
You're the only thing that I like about me

And in this world where nothing else is true
Here I am still tangled up in you
I'm still tangled up in you

How long has it been since this storyline began
And I hope it never ends and goes like this forever

In this world where nothing else is true
Here I am still tangled up in you, tangled up in you
Im still tangled up in you
Still tangled up in you

Come back, my love, my wonderful wife. The best wife in the world, no matter how hard I was on you. I am working on that, I have been. I promise that I am fixing it. Cushing's or not, I will find a way to not let those rages affect you again. You saw I was working on it. I was getting better, and will get better. If disability wont help me, I will work what I can. I will provide a living for us. I will not let this sickness devour me anymore. I will do anything just to hold you in my arms. Please, my wonderful sweetheart, please talk to me. 

Without your love as my anchor, there is nothing but the void where our story ends. Please, dont let this end like a hollywood tragedy. Lets make this a sappy love story, where we both work on ourselves and come back and talk. Please?

If you can read this, my love, know I will keep the home fires burning. I will move mountains to be with you again. Whatever you need, as long as we can be together. I mean that. 

Nobody's Listening

What day is it? Monday?
I thought it was Thursday.
I thought yesterday was too.
What do you mean I wasn't at work
Yesterday? I thought you said
Yesterday was Sunday, not Thursday?
Is it true?

No, I'm fine.

(The ants crawling over your face
They are supposed to be there.)
What do you mean I don't look good?
(I can barely stay awake, this isn't fair.)
What do you mean? (Did I fall asleep in my chair? )
I haven't got a call since you've been standing there.
Fuck this, 

I'm stepping out

When did the hall become a tunnel?
Just focus. This will all be over soon.
The ants are crawling. Be careful.
Tomorrow you have an interview.
Like that will help.

The stairs are so far down. I'm dizzy.
The ants are following.
The cat is back. Just keep busy.

And I just want to be home again.

Step. Breathe. 

Step, Step Breath
Step. Breathe.
Hold the rail. 

Step. Breathe.

Step, step breath

Step Breathe.
Use the cane.
Step. Breathe 

Step. Breathe.
Hold the rail.
HOLD IT!
sigh
That was close. 

Step
Step. Breathe.
Step. Breathe.
To the bottom
Out the door.

The car feels so far away.
I just need to get there.
Step. Breathe.
Step. Breathe.
I just have to make it
Through the day.
And the next. And next.
Step. Breathe.

I'm still in the tunnel,
Now it's outside.
Nothing looks real.
Pastel colors.
Styrofoam
It's all made of chalk.
The ants look real enough.
(but they aren't)
People are looking at me.
Have I been talking out loud?
Sorry, just thinking out loud
(please someone help me)

Unlock
Get in
Jack in
Crank it up,
Roll them down
I need to wake up
Get the pain down
Inhale
Hold it
Exhale
Hit play

Don't think about the ants.

HONK HONK!
Where am I?
What's their deal?
Why am I driving?
Fuck off ass wipe.
I was at work
Taking a break
Now Im here
Swerving jerks
What day is today?
Thursday
Still? Are you sure?
Ok
Maybe tomorrow will be better.
Maybe the ants will go away
And the cat will follow
And time will make sense
Not like today
And the tunnel will lift
And colors return
And life will fill this man
Or someone will learn
What this is like,
your own personal hell
Where yelling and screaming
And feeling insane
From raging and fighting
And panic are the main
names of the game
That you'd rather play
Because it masks the pain
And gives you energy
And sometimes focus
And clarity to see
Even for a moment,
Before the waves
Of rage and and self hate
Wash over,
That the last few weeks
You were pushing too hard
Killing yourself
Getting charred
And burnt out

And I tell my friends.
They can't help
Most don't understand
And in that pit,
Nobody's Listening

And I tell my family
But few are there
Most chosen
And there happily
But can't help
And in that pit,
Nobody's Listening.

It hasn't been this bad in years.
I'm falling apart.
I'm being dragged into that tunnel
By my worst fears.
And even the doctors join in.
And it feels
And seems
And looks
As if 

No
Body
Is
Listening

The last few weeks, I've been suffering from severe adrenal fatigue. The day I described above actually happened to me recently. I feel like this just takes over and I have been told I don't need extra steroids. That may be true, and I'm sure it is on average, yet my body doesn't know that.
For the past few months prior, I started what is called by some as "rapid cycling". My cortisol highs would happen in the early morning and evening, with two crashes, as it felt. Then, I remember realising that wasn't happening anymore. And my hallucinations were starting back up, with new ones. The ants are new.
I decided to take 5mg of hydrocortisone to help alleviate the symptoms. Two hours later, nothing. I dosed again, another 15, and I felt more normal. This broke the stagnate low, and I'm cycling again. Now I can see what was happening.
The worst part was being suicidal, but not having the energy to act on it. The irony being if I had, I wouldn't be suicidal. But I could have stepped into oncoming traffic, and the thought or dream occurred often. And breaking the stagnation helped me feel more creative, even if it was shit. It is from the heart.

I don't know how much longer I have. I'm scared, and feel like I have no hope.

The Weary and Worried Zebra