Falling Apart

Its Halloween today. My favoriate holiday. But, as with all my favoriate things, I can no longer enjoy them. I have been so sick the last few months, I havent had the energy to put up any of the decorations we have. Money has been so tight, that we cant afford to buy candy for the kids who didn't stop by. IN fact, beans and rice it is for our one meal today.

Im so depressed, it is getting harder and harder to get up in the morning. Not wake up, but to get out of bed. I just got out of sinus surgery on Monday. Turns out I had a fungal infection from the pituitary surgery 2 years ago. If we were still in Texas, I wouldn't have had the surgery. You have to be homeless to qualify for aid down there, and if you are homeless, you dont really count. Im still fighting disability, but they are relentless. Even DSHS (Dept of Social and Health Services) wants documents that either dont exist, or they have in their position already. But that is the deal. They grind you down. But today is the last day of my Charity Care at Swedish Medical Center. Maybe I will be able to get it again, but they said its not likely. They dont help indigent people or something.

Mrs. Zebra is cracking through the stress and depression. Im afraid she might leave me soon if something doesn't change. I guess I dont blame her. I am pretty worthless at this point. There used to be a significant section of my day devoted on figuring out what I could do for her next. Now, I cant do anything for her. I cant do anything to help our situation. Im helpless and hopeless. And alone.

The Very Weary and Depressed Zebra

2.5 mo post op: ugh...

Sorry I have not posted in a while. I've been extremely depressed for weeks now. The lack of growth hormone and testosterone has really done a number on me. I still have no function in my pitutary, at least as far as we can tell. But I am having spikes of cortisol that I can feel, and it sends me into a panic rage. This is consistent with the post op cortisol numbers that never stayed below 1. This means I am still not producing growth hormone, which would give me energy and motivation, as well as help with the aching and stiff mussels, and not making testosterone either, which would help my motivation and depression too. I am taking HCG to make me produce testosterone, but I only see small improvements, none effecting my mental state. This is also week 5 of the third sinus infection I have had since surgery. I'm on my 2nd round of antibiotics and nothing is helping. I'm scared to go to the ENT because last time they sent me to UTSW and they hate me there, prompting them to send me out the door and not filing correctly with insurance and charging me with the full bill. I'm still fighting it. I'm tired of being told I should be better, that I need to fake it, that I just need to get over it. No, I feel miserable, I feel like a giant green blob is inside my nose and lungs, I have not tasted or smelled a damn thing over a month, I can't sleep, and I refuse to take peoples crap anymore. Either there is a tumor somewhere, or my pitutary is freaking out and trying to wake up in spasms. That's what I'm hoping for anyway. I never want another pitutary surgery again...

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