Emotional Blackmail and Cushing's
Posted by The Weary Zebra at 3:38 PM 2 commentsGood News Everyone!
Posted by The Weary Zebra at 5:19 PM 0 commentsAt Swedish, they acted as if they actually believed me. They sent me home with a jug to pee in and told me that they wanted to try me on one of two medicines. Corcept and Signifor.
Here is the catch: I can get Signifor, a $25,000/yr drug, for free if I can prove I am having cushing's symptoms. If I get on Corcept, my health insurance is free. And from what I understand, signifor works better and is more long term. So, I dont know what will happen. NORD wants to cancel my insurance because they didn't tell me I had to be on any medication for the program I am enrolled in. So I will probably loose my access to medical care until I can get approved for charity care, but they don't cover lab work . Which is a big deal seeing as the original testing came to just over $25,000 (everything cushings related must be a multiple of 5) and the surgery was around $50k.
This week also saw two other good things. Well, sort of. A very good couple of friends who were domestic partners ended this part of their relationship and one moved in with us to get back on their feet. I don't transition well, but its been easier with them helping us with bills and house work. Its going to be a good thing. We also finally saw a raise in our food stamps. Substantial raise. I wont get into how much, but we don't have to worry about food for a while.
I cant get hold of the place I was applying for close to home. They wont even return my calls. So Im stuck driving an hour each day and its killing me. But all in all, it was a stressful but good week.
Thanks again for reading!
The Weary, and cautiously optimistic, Zebra.
What a week.
Posted by The Weary Zebra at 3:57 PM 2 commentsI had the most amazing week of my life, and it was only for two days. I can't go into too much detail, but I will try my best to fill you all in.
I was in Phoenix teaching a nationwide team of medical professionals how to teach Drs, nurses and insurance companies how to use whole healing through treating the patient's whole as a person and not just their disease. It focused on patients with Cushing, a rarely diagnosed type of brain tumor in the pituitary gland . I had to go alone, as we had no one to watch the cat while gone.
It was amazing how interested and goal oriented each member of the sales and patient advocates were. They were so grateful for our input and really validated what we've gone through. They agreed with us that this type of tumor doesn't just wreak havok on your brain. It effects your whole system and subsequently your whole life. Therefore, the medications, radiation and chemo shouldn't be the only defense against this disease. It's so exciting to KNOW that there are real life angels out there that are on our side and fighting for us. Our disease usually falls through the cracks because it is so rarely diagnosed, that the diseases that are more rampant like breast cancer, leukemia, and heart conditions get the most attention and response due to the per capita patient to assistance ratio they get treated first because it's easier and more profitable.
I went with a fellow cushie and we met two others when we landed. In the two days that followed, I met many of you who read this blog. They were sales reps who are going to teach doctors about us, and about how many doctors have Cushing patients and don't even know it.
They each had to go through a month long "diagnosis" simulation where they got a glimpse of what it's like to just try and get validation. Then, they were walked through a 30min rundown on each of our lives using a sales app and our stories. Finally, they were treated to a very brief 45min talk where we shared what Cushing's has done to us and how hard living day to day was.
And afterwards, they called us heroes.
Let me repeat that. They. Called. Us. Heroes.
It still shocks me.
Heroes don't suffer like this.
Heroes don't get the shift like this.
Heroes do something to better others lives.
But I guess we are doing that last bit.
Between the steroids that the stress of it all caused to flow through my veins, and the extreme feeling of hope I feel again, I'm still coming down off of the high it created. Being in the midst of people, normal healthy people, who care about you, who believe you, who believe IN you, was something I have never experienced in my life.
Those of you who know what company we helped, please know that from the first email through my getting off the plane back home, I was treated with more dignity, more care, and more understanding than the vast majority of the health care profession. And I think I know why.
The man who diagnosed me was THERE! He left practice to consult with the people who are reaching out to doctors to re educate them on the reality of Cushing's. I was so upset to see him go, but he is truly doing "the work of God" as the saying goes. And it seems he is much happier too.
If I hadn't gone, I think I would have completely lost hope. I was close, for sure.
And in a way, I have. I got to meet someone who has been "cured" for years, and she explained to me that she never really got better. She just didn't get worse. So my goal is no longer getting better. My goal is to rearrange my life to suit this disease and what it has done to my body. It isn't ideal, but it is possible.
And it's a good step in the right direction, right?
You dont get it.
Posted by The Weary Zebra at 6:00 PM 0 commentsThings arent going so well for us. But something a friend left on my VM irked me enough to write. Note: None of what I am about to say has been embellished.
Someone who is perfectly healthy, and owns their own home, told me how lucky I was to have a job (they are unemployed and piddled around until their UI ran out, spent loads on beer and women). Im facing eviction, Im so sick that the 3hr daily commute is literately killing me. I spend about 1/4 of what I DO make on transportation to/from work. And the worst part is HE KNOWS THIS!
I understand depression, I live it every day. Its a struggle physically and mentally to get out of bed each day. So when someone that is COMPLETELY PHYSICALLY HEALTHY tells me that I am "so lucky", its not just that they don't GET IT, they don't care too. I would trade situations with them in a hear beat. Trade being chronically ill with a disease said to be so rare, it doesn't exist, a non-functioning pituitary gland, and the fatigue of a 90 year old man, the bills piling up, the constant fear of homelessness, with that of a fairly healthy, unemployed home owner.I love the guy like family, but c'mon!
Mrs. Zebra's UI ran out and she hasn't been able to find work. Ive been busy either working or doing work at home for people to get my name out there. When I can make my own schedule, I can do some work. But that is hard to tell an employer. We've had some help from good friends, who I like to refer to as "adopted family".
Christmas was rough. I miss my brother, and I think my blood relatives are mad at me. Mrs. Zebra and I had a very quite Christmas yesterday. Just tried not to think about the fact that our first Christmas in our new home might be our last. I have a little work in the pipeline, but it could take until March to pay out. I hate asking for help, from anyone, but we desperately need it. If you can help, it would be much appreciated. If you use paypal, you can click the link on the top, left of this page. Otherwise, if you want to help, send me a message.
The very scared and humble weary zebra.
Lost
Posted by The Weary Zebra at 11:51 AM 1 commentsAs I am writing this, my brother is being memorialized back in Texas. On November 12th, 2012 he was in a horrible accident and is no longer with us. Luckily no one else was hurt in the accident. But he left a huge hole in the hearts of his friends and family. Thanks to this wretched disease, I cant afford to fly back and be there like I should be. Ive been having to stop my steroid taper not only because of the stress of his loss, but of the constant attacks from family that, until Monday, wanted little to do with me. If you have read my blog before, or even know about Cushing's, you know that people dont understand this disease from the outside. And instead of trying to understand, or just being understanding, most people turn to neglect or even hate, to deal with you. Well, thats happening right now.
My brother and I were always closer than we were to our sister. Its not her fault, really. Just circumstance. But after she married and had children, I really tried to get to know her. Even if it were just as friends, I wanted to be part of her life. I wanted my nieces and nephews to have cousins to look after and big Christmas gatherings. But the last 10 years has been hard on everyone. Im chronically ill, our mother died of complications of what I believe was Cushing's, my brother was uprooted and moved out to the country because of financial reasons, and my sister has had to re-establish herself so many times that I wonder if she will ever find a place in her life where she can just let her guard down.
After our mom died, she really came and joined the family again. I know its hard. She only had three families to try to see: ours, her husbands, and her ex's. But at some point my sister decided she no longer wanted to return phone calls or voice mail from anyone from our side. I didnt want to push it, but after months of phone calls from me, my brother, my dad, and even my wife, we all just gave up. She claims it was a technical issue, but I dont know any handset issues that effect the kids cell's too. I still think its something to do with me, but she doesn't want to hear it from anyone so she just cut everyone out.
Thanks to this disease, I cant afford to fly back to Texas to pay my respects to my little brother who died at 23 years old. Thanks to this disease, I have lost the only mother Ive ever known. And thanks to this disease, I have lost my sister. She decided that, instead of talking to me and having a family, she would rather not deal with me. Even in the wake of our brother's terrible accident, she wont call. She writes to me via Facebook, but I wont read her words anymore. They hurt too badly. She knows we tried to call, but still wont call and talk to her brother, who may never recover from this disease.
So I sit here, absolutely lost. I dont know what to do. I want to talk to my sister again, but cant until she wants to. I dont know how to handle this. By all rights, it should have been me. He had his whole life ahead of him, while Ive been sick my whole life. If I had died, no one would have been surprised. It wouldn't hurt this bad. I wish I could fix all this. I wish I could fix our family and have everyone come out to our enchanted forest and have a good time. But how do I get from here to there? I dont know. I mean, Im working on my phone anxiety. This disease isolates you. Some days its all I can do just to be social online, let alone in person. I just wish I could get my sister to understand this. Or anyone really.
I escaped death 3 weeks ago when I went through surgery. But I should have died. My dad escaped death when he survived his motorcycle crash and surgery. So much death. I wish I knew what to do. I just want us to be family again. I love my sister, despite all faults. And I choose my family, and I choose her. Just like my father decided he didn't want me, but my dad did. I just dont know what to do.
Im so lost.
Letter to the new Governor!
Posted by The Weary Zebra at 8:31 PM 0 commentsI wrote and mailed this letter in to Governor Pro-tem Inslee and emailed his campaign. Hopefully, he can pull some strings to help us.
Falling Apart
Posted by The Weary Zebra at 10:55 PM 1 commentsIm so depressed, it is getting harder and harder to get up in the morning. Not wake up, but to get out of bed. I just got out of sinus surgery on Monday. Turns out I had a fungal infection from the pituitary surgery 2 years ago. If we were still in Texas, I wouldn't have had the surgery. You have to be homeless to qualify for aid down there, and if you are homeless, you dont really count. Im still fighting disability, but they are relentless. Even DSHS (Dept of Social and Health Services) wants documents that either dont exist, or they have in their position already. But that is the deal. They grind you down. But today is the last day of my Charity Care at Swedish Medical Center. Maybe I will be able to get it again, but they said its not likely. They dont help indigent people or something.
Mrs. Zebra is cracking through the stress and depression. Im afraid she might leave me soon if something doesn't change. I guess I dont blame her. I am pretty worthless at this point. There used to be a significant section of my day devoted on figuring out what I could do for her next. Now, I cant do anything for her. I cant do anything to help our situation. Im helpless and hopeless. And alone.
The Very Weary and Depressed Zebra


