Emotional Blackmail and Cushing's

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For those of you who know me personally, you probably know how hard the last month has been. If not let me give you a recap:

Two good friends of Mrs. Zebra and I broke up and one is living with us while they each figure out life without the other. The person staying with us is also chronically ill. She has fibromyalgia and severe migraines, among other things. We have a small sickie commune going on. Mrs Zebra and I both have been in and out of hospitals lately. I'm testing to confirm that the first surgery was not successful, and the last week, Mrs Zebra has been fighting a MRSA infection in her foot from an infected blister. Mix this with a new schedule with commuting the both of us that work, and it's not been exactly a restful time.
What you probably don't know is the other friend hadn't been taking this breakup kindly. He is also suffering from an illness, but I am not qualified to speak about it. Over the past month, he has been harassing our new housemate and to a lesser degree, both of us Zebras. But it's draining what little energy I have.

At first, I saw it as lashing out at her, and then us, for the break up and perceived "taking of sides". I won't get into details because it's not important. Suffice it to say that it's happening only from his end. But the threats on us keep happening. The calls at all hours, the text messages that say things like "well, you aren't answering right away, so I guess we aren't friends anymore" all hours, I mean the man doesn't get that I have a chronic illness, and have to rest or sleep every chance I get. Today, I realized he doesn't care.
This morning, we all were treated to a stressful morning where he was doing it again. He wasn't even letting me use the restroom or get dressed, which both can take considerable energy and time. And stress makes me worse. It makes me more sick. To have to worry about what kind of text message or phone call it is, makes me sick to my stomach.

You can't treat people this way. That's goes for anyone. You can't emotionally blackmail people into giving you attention and expect keep them around. It just doesn't happen. But to do it to people you know can't handle it, that takes either someone who really needs help, or is so beyond caring for people that it isn't worth the time or energy investment to find out.

And if you are reading this, and any of this rings a bell, here is a message straight to you: understanding goes both ways. I understand you are lonely and hurt, but a) its not my god damn fault, b) its not fair to take it out on sick people, and c) keeping it up isn't helping anybody. You have to understand that I don't have many friends because of this disease. People choose not to understand what's going on with me. They judge me for my lack of energy, my lack of social skills, my lack of money, my lack of anything else that makes them want to be friends. If you feel that you are one of these kinds of people, then I'm sorry but I cannot spend so much time and energy propping up your low self esteem if you wont or cant reciprocate. I just cant. I don't have the energy to properly take care of myself. If I spend energy on you, you have to do the same. You cannot expect to get positive results by emotionally blackmailing people, especially ones that are limping along as it is. And your actions have made us very worried about coming over. I'm not sure what you will do.

Now, if you feel you can properly give and take and handle an adult-like relationship with people, then not only will this work out, but I want to be that friend myself. I understand you are hurting. I understand that feeling, like sinking into a hole of worthlessness. I understand what its like to not have enough energy to wipe yourself in the bathroom, let alone get out of bed to do so. Understanding goes both ways. 

No one really wants to be alone all the time. And no one really has to. But lashing out isnt the answer, and for me, at least, I cant handle it. I'm too sick. And I don't have to. We can still be good friends. We can still work together. But that is really up to you. That's what we want. 

Specifically to our friend, you are a smart guy. One of the smartest I know. But I can only spend so much time trying to convince you to sober up from the funk you are in, and realize that. I'm too sick. And for that, I am sorry. 

The Emotionally Drained Weary Zebra

Good News Everyone!

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Well, last week I saw my new (hopefully) doctor and did a follow up at Swedish. The new doctor is a natureopath who used herbs along with western medicine to treat illness. She wants me to try an herb from India that regulates adrenal function and cortisol. That sounded good until I went to Swedish.

At Swedish, they acted as if they actually believed me. They sent me home with a jug to pee in and told me that they wanted to try me on one of two medicines. Corcept and Signifor.

Here is the catch: I can get Signifor, a $25,000/yr drug, for free if I can prove I am having cushing's symptoms. If I get on Corcept, my health insurance is free. And from what I understand, signifor works better and is more long term. So, I dont know what will happen. NORD wants to cancel my insurance because they didn't tell me I had to be on any medication for the program I am enrolled in. So I will probably loose my access to medical care until I can get approved for charity care, but they don't cover lab work . Which is a big deal seeing as the original testing came to just over $25,000 (everything cushings related must be a multiple of 5) and the surgery was around $50k.

This week also saw two other good things. Well, sort of. A very good couple of friends who were domestic partners ended this part of their relationship and one moved in with us to get back on their feet. I don't transition well, but its been easier with them helping us with bills and house work. Its going to be a good thing. We also finally saw a raise in our food stamps. Substantial raise. I wont get into how much, but we don't have to worry about food for a while.

I cant get hold of the place I was applying for close to home. They wont even return my calls. So Im stuck driving an hour each day and its killing me. But all in all, it was a stressful but good week.

Thanks again for reading!

The Weary, and cautiously optimistic, Zebra. 

What a week.

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I had the most amazing week of my life, and it was only for two days. I can't go into too much detail, but I will try my best to fill you all in.

I was in Phoenix teaching a nationwide team of medical professionals how to teach Drs, nurses and insurance companies how to use whole healing through treating the patient's whole as a person and not just their disease. It focused on patients with Cushing, a rarely diagnosed type of brain tumor in the pituitary gland . I had to go alone, as we had no one to watch the cat while gone.

It was amazing how interested and goal oriented each member of the sales and patient advocates were. They were so grateful for our input and really validated what we've gone through. They agreed with us that this type of tumor doesn't just wreak havok on your brain. It effects your whole system and subsequently your whole life. Therefore, the medications, radiation and chemo shouldn't be the only defense against this disease. It's so exciting to KNOW that there are real life angels out there that are on our side and fighting for us. Our disease usually falls through the cracks because it is so rarely diagnosed, that the diseases that are more rampant like breast cancer, leukemia, and heart conditions get the most attention and response due to the per capita patient to assistance ratio they get treated first because it's easier and more profitable.

I went with a fellow cushie and we met two others when we landed. In the two days that followed, I met many of you who read this blog. They were sales reps who are going to teach doctors about us, and about how many doctors have Cushing patients and don't even know it.

They each had to go through a month long "diagnosis" simulation where they got a glimpse of what it's like to just try and get validation. Then, they were walked through a 30min rundown on each of our lives using a sales app and our stories. Finally, they were treated to a very brief 45min talk where we shared what Cushing's has done to us and how hard living day to day was.

And afterwards, they called us heroes.

Let me repeat that. They. Called. Us. Heroes.

It still shocks me.

Heroes don't suffer like this.
Heroes don't get the shift like this.
Heroes do something to better others lives.

But I guess we are doing that last bit.

Between the steroids that the stress of it all caused to flow through my veins, and the extreme feeling of hope I feel again, I'm still coming down off of the high it created. Being in the midst of people, normal healthy people, who care about you, who believe you, who believe IN you, was something I have never experienced in my life.

Those of you who know what company we helped, please know that from the first email through my getting off the plane back home, I was treated with more dignity, more care, and more understanding than the vast majority of the health care profession. And I think I know why.

The man who diagnosed me was THERE! He left practice to consult with the people who are reaching out to doctors to re educate them on the reality of Cushing's. I was so upset to see him go, but he is truly doing "the work of God" as the saying goes. And it seems he is much happier too.

If I hadn't gone, I think I would have completely lost hope. I was close, for sure.

And in a way, I have. I got to meet someone who has been "cured" for years, and she explained to me that she never really got better. She just didn't get worse. So my goal is no longer getting better. My goal is to rearrange my life to suit this disease and what it has done to my body. It isn't ideal, but it is possible.

And it's a good step in the right direction, right?

You dont get it.

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Things arent going so well for us. But something a friend left on my VM irked me enough to write. Note: None of what I am about to say has been embellished.



Someone who is perfectly healthy, and owns their own home, told me how lucky I was to have a job (they are unemployed and piddled around until their UI ran out, spent loads on beer and women). Im facing eviction, Im so sick that the 3hr daily commute is literately killing me. I spend about 1/4 of what I DO make on transportation to/from work. And the worst part is HE KNOWS THIS!

I understand depression, I live it every day. Its a struggle physically and mentally to get out of bed each day. So when someone that is COMPLETELY PHYSICALLY HEALTHY tells me that I am "so lucky", its not just that they don't GET IT, they don't care too. I would trade situations with them in a hear beat. Trade being chronically ill with a disease said to be so rare, it doesn't exist, a non-functioning pituitary gland, and the fatigue of a 90 year old man, the bills piling up, the constant fear of homelessness, with that of a fairly healthy, unemployed home owner.I love the guy like family, but c'mon!

Mrs. Zebra's UI ran out and she hasn't been able to find work. Ive been busy either working or doing work at home for people to get my name out there. When I can make my own schedule, I can do some work. But that is hard to tell an employer. We've had some help from good friends, who I like to refer to as "adopted family".

Christmas was rough. I miss my brother, and I think my blood relatives are mad at me. Mrs. Zebra and I had a very quite Christmas yesterday. Just tried not to think about the fact that our first Christmas in our new home might be our last. I have a little work in the pipeline, but it could take until March to pay out. I hate asking for help, from anyone, but we desperately need it. If you can help, it would be much appreciated. If you use paypal, you can click the link on the top, left of this page. Otherwise, if you want to help, send me a message.

The very scared and humble weary zebra.

Lost

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As I am writing this, my brother is being memorialized back in Texas. On November 12th, 2012 he was in a horrible accident and is no longer with us. Luckily  no one else was hurt in the accident. But he left a huge hole in the hearts of his friends and family. Thanks to this wretched disease, I cant afford to fly back and be there like I should be. Ive been having to stop my steroid taper not only because of the stress of his loss, but of the constant attacks from family that, until Monday, wanted little to do with me. If you have read my blog before, or even know about Cushing's, you know that people dont understand this disease from the outside. And instead of trying to understand, or just being understanding, most people turn to neglect or even hate, to deal with you. Well, thats happening right now.

My brother and I were always closer than we were to our sister. Its not her fault, really. Just circumstance. But after she married and had children, I really tried to get to know her. Even if it were just as friends, I wanted to be part of her life. I wanted my nieces and nephews to have cousins to look after and big Christmas gatherings. But the last 10 years has been hard on everyone. Im chronically ill, our mother died of complications of what I believe was Cushing's, my brother was uprooted and moved out to the country because of financial reasons, and my sister has had to re-establish herself so many times that I wonder if she will ever find a place in her life where she can just let her guard down.

After our mom died, she really came and joined the family again. I know its hard. She only had three families to try to see: ours, her husbands, and her ex's. But at some point my sister decided she no longer wanted to return phone calls or voice mail from anyone from our side. I didnt want to push it, but after months of phone calls from me, my brother, my dad, and even my wife, we all just gave up. She claims it was a technical issue, but I dont know any handset issues that effect the kids cell's too. I still think its something to do with me, but she doesn't want to hear it from anyone so she just cut everyone out.

Thanks to this disease, I cant afford to fly back to Texas to pay my respects to my little brother who died at 23 years old. Thanks to this disease, I have lost the only mother Ive ever known. And thanks to this disease, I have lost my sister. She decided that, instead of talking to me and having a family, she would rather not deal with me. Even in the wake of our brother's terrible accident, she wont call. She writes to me via Facebook, but I wont read her words anymore. They hurt too badly. She knows we tried to call, but still wont call and talk to her brother, who may never recover from this disease.

So I sit here, absolutely lost. I dont know what to do. I want to talk to my sister again, but cant until she wants to. I dont know how to handle this. By all rights, it should have been me. He had his whole life ahead of him, while Ive been sick my whole life. If I had died, no one would have been surprised. It wouldn't hurt this bad. I wish I could fix all this. I wish I could fix our family and have everyone come out to our enchanted forest and have a good time. But how do I get from here to there? I dont know. I mean, Im working on my phone anxiety. This disease isolates you. Some days its all I can do just to be social online, let alone in person. I just wish I could get my sister to understand this. Or anyone really.

I escaped death 3 weeks ago when I went through surgery. But I should have died. My dad escaped death when he survived his motorcycle crash and surgery. So much death. I wish I knew what to do. I just want us to be family again. I love my sister, despite all faults. And I choose my family, and I choose her. Just like my father decided he didn't want me, but my dad did. I just dont know what to do.

Im so lost.

Letter to the new Governor!

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I wrote and mailed this letter in to Governor Pro-tem Inslee and emailed his campaign. Hopefully, he can pull some strings to help us. 


Dear Mr. Inslee

Let me first congratulate you on your victory of being elected as the new governor of the great state of Washington. I was really pulling for you, and the fact that you are our governor makes us feel much better about living here. My wife and I, as well as several people we know in Tacoma, canvassed and worked for your campaign the last few months either knocking on doors or making calls to voters. We hope that you will kick some butt as out governor. 
The reason I am writing to you is that I am in need of your help. Before I get too far into that, let me tell you about myself. My wife and I recently moved here from Texas to be close to my doctors here. On December 30th, we will have been here one year. I have a rare disease called Cushing’s disease. It is, usually, a tumor in one’s pituitary gland that makes your body produce excess cortisol which effects every system in the body. As you may or may not know, Cushing’s is a rarely diagnosed endocrine disorder characterized by hypercortisolism. Cortisol is a hormone produced by the adrenal glands and is vital to regulate the body’s cardiovascular functions and metabolism, to boost the immune system and to fight inflammation. But its most important job is to help the body to respond to stress. The adrenal glands release cortisol in response to stress, so athletes, women experiencing pregnancy, and those suffering from alcoholism, panic disorders and malnutrition naturally have higher-than-normal levels of cortisol.
People with Cushing’s Syndrome live life with too much cortisol for their bodies as a result of a hormone-secreting tumor. Mine is located in the pituitary gland. Endogenous hypercortisolism leaves the body in a constant state of “fight or flight,” which ravages the body and tears down the body’s major systems including cardiovascular, musculo-skeletal, endocrine, etc.
Symptoms vary, but the most common symptoms include rapid, unexplained weight gain in the upper body with increased fat around the neck and face (“moon facies”); buffalo hump; facial flushing/plethora; muscle wasting in the arms and legs; purplish striae (stretch marks) on the abdomen, thighs, buttocks, arms and breasts; poor wound healing and bruising; severe fatigue; depression, anxiety disorders and emotional lability; cognitive difficulties; sleep disorders due to abnormally high nighttime cortisol production; high blood pressure and high blood sugar/diabetes; edema; vision problems; premature osteoporosis; and, in women, signs of hyperandrogenism such as menstrual irregularities, infertility, hirsutism, male-patterned balding and steroid-induced acne.
Attached, you will find a sketch of a typical Cushing’s patient. As you can see, the effects of the disease on the body are dramatic.

Worse, the psychological and emotional effects of having a chronic, debilitating and disfiguring disease range from distressing to demoralizing.
Imagine that, in the space of a year, you became unrecognizable to those around you and to yourself. You look in the mirror, but the person staring back at you is a stranger. You endure the stares and looks of pity from those who knew you before Cushing’s, fully aware that they believe you have “let yourself go” or otherwise allowed this to happen to your body. Nothing you can say or do will persuade them otherwise, so at some point, you stop trying and resolve to live your life in a stranger’s body. While I have been living with this my entire life, this still affects me because I have lost family that went from accepting me to thinking I was lazy, fat, etc. 

You feel increasingly sick, but when you explain your array of symptoms to your doctor, you are dismissed as a depressed hypochondriac who needs to diet and exercise more. Worse, your family members think the same thing — and are often quick to tell you how you need to “change your lifestyle” to overcome the effects of what you eventually will discover, once properly diagnosed, is a serious and rare disease.

If only it were so simple! No one would choose to have Cushing’s. Those of us who have it would not wish it even on our worst enemy.Most people with Cushing’s long for the ability to do simple things, like walk a flight of stairs without having to sit for half an hour afterwards, or vacuum the house or even unload a dishwasher.

One of the worst parts about this disease is the crushing fatigue and muscle wasting/weakness, which accompanies hypercortisolism. Not only do we become socially isolated because of the virilzing effects of an endocrine tumor, which drastically alters our appearance, but we no longer feel like ourselves with regard to energy. We would love to take a long bike ride, run three miles or go shopping like we used to — activities, which we took for granted before the disease struck. Those activities are sadly impossible at times for those with advanced stages of the disease.

Sometimes, as with any serious illness, performing even basic tasks of daily care such as showering and dressing can exhaust the limited reserves of energy available to a Cushing’s patient. Holding down a job has been difficult, especially with the economy like it is. So in 2010, I had surgery at Swedish Medical Center in Seattle. I flew from Texas to find a cure. Instead, I found that it can get much worse. The pitutary is the command center hormone wise, and I am missing almost 3/4 of it, trying to remove a tumor that as far as we can tell is still active. After surgery or other treatment, the recovery period can last months or even years. Because the tumor takes over control of the body’s production of cortisol, the adrenal glands, which had lain dormant prior to surgery, require time to start functioning properly again.
Until this happens, we must take synthetic steroids or else risk adrenal insufficiency or adrenal crisis, which can be quickly life-threatening. Careful monitoring of our cortisol levels is critical during the weaning period. It is a rare but sad fact that some people’s adrenal glands never return to normal, and those people must continue to take hydrocortisone or prednisone — sometimes for life — simply in order for the body to perform correctly its basic systemic functions.

The physical recovery from surgery can be quick, but the withdrawal from hydrocortisone can be a lengthy and extremely painful process. As I described above, Cushing’s causes a tearing-down of muscles and bone. While there is an over-abundance of cortisol in our bodies (as a result of the tumor), we often can’t feel the effects of the muscle-wasting and bone deterioration because of the anti-inflammatory action of cortisol. Upon weaning, however, these become painfully (literally!) evident.
The physical pain experienced while weaning from cortisol has been described as worse than weaning from heroin. When cortisol levels are low, one experiences the symptoms akin to a really bad flu, including severe fatigue (”like a wet cement blanket laid on top of me”); weakness and exhaustion; nausea; headache; vomiting; mental confusion. It is imperative for people who are on replacement steroids after Cushing’s surgery to carry extra Cortef (or injectable Solu-Cortef) with them at all times in addition to wearing a medic alert bracelet so that medical professionals will be alerted to the possibility of adrenal insufficiency in the event of an adrenal crisis.

People who have struggled with Cushing’s Syndrome all hope to return to “normal” at some point. Though none of us want to have Cushing’s, it is often a relief finally to have a correct diagnosis and treatment plan. For many, there is a gradual resolution of many Cushing’s symptoms within a few years of surgery or other successful treatment, and a good quality of life can be achieved. But regrettably, this is not possible in every case. Depending on the severity of the disease and the length of time before diagnosis and treatment, the prognosis can be poor and lead to shortened life expectancy and diminished quality of life. This is not a choice or something we can control, but it is the reality for some people who have suffered the consequences of long-term hypercortisolism. Recovery to this point has been grueling. So we moved up here thinking that we would be closer to people who understand the situation and a better social safety net. 

While both are still very true, especially compared to Texas, we are not doing so well. My wife, Kaylie, also cant work due to a nerve issue with her hands and feet but is getting the help she needs thanks to the doctors we are now able to see. But we are still on the verge of homelessness. I worked what I could during the summer, but was fired, and even though it wasn't gainful employment I was denied disability because of it. I don't qualify for unemployment benefits, and my wife’s is about to run out. On top of that, DSHS keeps requiring us to turn in paperwork that either doesn't exist, they already have, or they wont specify what they need. Thats just so we can get $50 a month in food stamps and maybe get me Medicaid. 

We are struggling just to make sure food is on our plates and all the bills are paid. 
Governor Inslee, we need your help. Is there any way you can intervene in my disability case on my behalf? Or help us get more aid for medical and food? We aren't looking for handouts, but how is anyone supposed to heal so they can get back to work when they have to constantly worry about where their next meal is coming from? We are down to one meal a day to make what we have last as long as we can. I don't want to live on disability. I want to work. I want to help make this state as great as it can be, but with the symptoms still present, and the stress of every day life making them worse, if something doesn't happen soon I wont be around in a year or two. Between my condition and the poverty, this will kill me. But if this doesn't kill me, I want to enter politics and serve the people of Washington just as you have. Please, if there is anything you can do for a 28 year old who worked on your campaign, for someone who is being discriminated against by a system rigged to do so, please do it! 

If you would like to read more about this debilitating disease, please go to:
or my blog:

Thank you.
Love peace, blessings, and solidarity!
Sincerely yours,

The Weary Zebra

Falling Apart

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Its Halloween today. My favoriate holiday. But, as with all my favoriate things, I can no longer enjoy them. I have been so sick the last few months, I havent had the energy to put up any of the decorations we have. Money has been so tight, that we cant afford to buy candy for the kids who didn't stop by. IN fact, beans and rice it is for our one meal today.

Im so depressed, it is getting harder and harder to get up in the morning. Not wake up, but to get out of bed. I just got out of sinus surgery on Monday. Turns out I had a fungal infection from the pituitary surgery 2 years ago. If we were still in Texas, I wouldn't have had the surgery. You have to be homeless to qualify for aid down there, and if you are homeless, you dont really count. Im still fighting disability, but they are relentless. Even DSHS (Dept of Social and Health Services) wants documents that either dont exist, or they have in their position already. But that is the deal. They grind you down. But today is the last day of my Charity Care at Swedish Medical Center. Maybe I will be able to get it again, but they said its not likely. They dont help indigent people or something.

Mrs. Zebra is cracking through the stress and depression. Im afraid she might leave me soon if something doesn't change. I guess I dont blame her. I am pretty worthless at this point. There used to be a significant section of my day devoted on figuring out what I could do for her next. Now, I cant do anything for her. I cant do anything to help our situation. Im helpless and hopeless. And alone.

The Very Weary and Depressed Zebra