Lost

As I am writing this, my brother is being memorialized back in Texas. On November 12th, 2012 he was in a horrible accident and is no longer with us. Luckily  no one else was hurt in the accident. But he left a huge hole in the hearts of his friends and family. Thanks to this wretched disease, I cant afford to fly back and be there like I should be. Ive been having to stop my steroid taper not only because of the stress of his loss, but of the constant attacks from family that, until Monday, wanted little to do with me. If you have read my blog before, or even know about Cushing's, you know that people dont understand this disease from the outside. And instead of trying to understand, or just being understanding, most people turn to neglect or even hate, to deal with you. Well, thats happening right now.

My brother and I were always closer than we were to our sister. Its not her fault, really. Just circumstance. But after she married and had children, I really tried to get to know her. Even if it were just as friends, I wanted to be part of her life. I wanted my nieces and nephews to have cousins to look after and big Christmas gatherings. But the last 10 years has been hard on everyone. Im chronically ill, our mother died of complications of what I believe was Cushing's, my brother was uprooted and moved out to the country because of financial reasons, and my sister has had to re-establish herself so many times that I wonder if she will ever find a place in her life where she can just let her guard down.

After our mom died, she really came and joined the family again. I know its hard. She only had three families to try to see: ours, her husbands, and her ex's. But at some point my sister decided she no longer wanted to return phone calls or voice mail from anyone from our side. I didnt want to push it, but after months of phone calls from me, my brother, my dad, and even my wife, we all just gave up. She claims it was a technical issue, but I dont know any handset issues that effect the kids cell's too. I still think its something to do with me, but she doesn't want to hear it from anyone so she just cut everyone out.

Thanks to this disease, I cant afford to fly back to Texas to pay my respects to my little brother who died at 23 years old. Thanks to this disease, I have lost the only mother Ive ever known. And thanks to this disease, I have lost my sister. She decided that, instead of talking to me and having a family, she would rather not deal with me. Even in the wake of our brother's terrible accident, she wont call. She writes to me via Facebook, but I wont read her words anymore. They hurt too badly. She knows we tried to call, but still wont call and talk to her brother, who may never recover from this disease.

So I sit here, absolutely lost. I dont know what to do. I want to talk to my sister again, but cant until she wants to. I dont know how to handle this. By all rights, it should have been me. He had his whole life ahead of him, while Ive been sick my whole life. If I had died, no one would have been surprised. It wouldn't hurt this bad. I wish I could fix all this. I wish I could fix our family and have everyone come out to our enchanted forest and have a good time. But how do I get from here to there? I dont know. I mean, Im working on my phone anxiety. This disease isolates you. Some days its all I can do just to be social online, let alone in person. I just wish I could get my sister to understand this. Or anyone really.

I escaped death 3 weeks ago when I went through surgery. But I should have died. My dad escaped death when he survived his motorcycle crash and surgery. So much death. I wish I knew what to do. I just want us to be family again. I love my sister, despite all faults. And I choose my family, and I choose her. Just like my father decided he didn't want me, but my dad did. I just dont know what to do.

Im so lost.