I crushed my ladybug

Thats what her nickname was. Ladybug. Our first night in Seattle, I ran and made a copy of the key to our home, and gave her a ladybug key. She loved that key. I crushed my ladybug. I drove her away. I didnt mean to. Im sick. But I didnt have the tools to control my cortisol-fuled temper. 

Ive been bawling nonstop for an hour. She wont pick up my phone. If she would, Id call her. If I wants afraid of making her mad, I would call her. BUt I am. I need her so bad. And shes gone. The one who stood by me when I was covered in urine and blood from brain surgery. Shes gone. Because the surgery didnt fix me, and because no one gave me tools to fight the mood swings. The most wonderful women in the world left me. 

She took half of me with her, all the good parts. 

Im left in pain, a pain so deep I will never escape. 

I dont deserve to. 

I deserve to die. 

And we have ice on the roads tomorrow. 

convenient, I think. 

One can hope to be sideswyped...

Really? I mean REALLY?

I dont get it.

I have enough on my plate to warrant the average person to wish to commit suicide. I do. Not the average person in any particular social or economic spectrum, just in general. Lets see, just a short list: I live with a brain tumor that causes me to go for days without sleeping, bouts of rage and fatigue, hormone deficiencies, nutrient deficiencies, constant pain, I cant work and because of it I face homelessness for my wife and I, I have little access to medical facilities, the only way we get food is threatened to be cut with the politics in D.C., what little I DO for money actually aggravates the disease, I spend 1/5 of my income just getting to and from the only job I can find, my living family has all but abandoned me, my wife's family all hates me, most of my friends are also sick and most are online, my wife is sick and out of work and I cant provide for her, and my life span is pretty much set in stone for me. I think I covered everything, but Im sure there is more.

The point is, there is A LOT I can point to and say "That's why I DESERVE to end it. I want the pain to end!" But so far, I have failed in that, thanks to many of you meddling people reading this. What KILLS me, no pun intended, is when people have WAY LESS to deal with, and are just having a rough day or week. Or maybe they had a fight with their significant other and are picking up the pieces. You see, Ive had that. And I had ALL OF THE ABOVE to deal with at the same time.

I know everyone's struggle is different, and maybe that rough patch IS the hardest part of their life to date. I don't know. What I do know, is that Ive had to deal with it, AND all of the above. And if I haven't, at least you dont have ALL OF THE ABOVE to deal with too. Quit bitching. Yes, its hard. Yes, its easier to give up. Yet, I do not. I find a reason to get up out of bed each day, even when it literally is the hardest part of my day. Even when I literally have to be carried out of bed, I make it. When when I have to be spoon fed, and its happened, or have had to be changed out of sheets I have urinated in, I push. And it pisses me off, again no pun intended, to see people who could carry half of MY burden and still be ok, bitch and moan and tell me they contemplate suicide. I understand depression, as it is a daily struggle with me and my wife, and most people I know. And it clouds the mind. I have to keep reminding myself that while I deserve for the pain to end, those around me dont deserve to hurt on my account. And the only thing worse to me than my life is hurting those I care about.

If you know me, you probably struggle. But any time you feel like you want end your life, read this. Or call me. Or text me. Ask me how my day was. Tell me you really want to know. If I cant make you feel better, at least I can make you thankful you arent in my shoes. And there are people who struggle just like me, sometimes even worse than me. This letter isnt for you. You know what Im talking about.

And Im not comparing who is suffering more. Im just tired of people telling me how they are going to kill themselves, how their life is so bad, and about so little, especially when you know people like me. Venting is one thing, but I feel like when people tell me this that they are again judging me and people like me. I dont kill myself, so they dont have much to stand on.

The Weary and very Annoyed Zebra

And thanks for letting me rant. Things have been rough, and we are in danger of getting evicted again. We have some irons in the fire, but nothing is for certain  If you could help us get through the next few months, we would really appreciate it. We are trying to raise $3000, which is 3 months rent. Thanks to all who have donated, and I ask only that you share the page with people you know, and we appreciate any donations.

Click here to Donate to our Rent fund.

In gratitude,
A Humble Zebra

SHUT UP AND LISTEN!

Ok, before I start this rant, I want to thank the DFW Smart Car Club for their generosity. My friends in the club showed how much they appreciate what I do for the club and gave a substantial donation to help Mrs. Zebra and I up to Seattle. Thank you all!

But something else has really started to bother me and I had only really heard of this. I had never experienced it, at least in my face before. I had a co-worker ask me, and later my boss did too, why I need so much time off after surgery. "Its not like its cancer or anything." WTH? (I mean I know they just dont understand, and they are really awesome people but I need to blow off some steam so just bear with me). Then my aunt tells me that Cushing's doesn't have the "torture and death" that cancer has. EXCUSE ME? Oh, so Im not SICK ENOUGH for anyone, am I?
Look, I don't want to down play down cancer. It can be a very horrible condition. But I know more people that have had cancer and have told me "you know, they caught it early and treated it, and Im fine. Kemo was bad, but now its like it never happened." I have YET to meet or talk to ANYONE with Cushing's that said ANYTHING like that! First is the fact that there is a SIGNIFICANT number of people who have Cushing's and don't know it. MY MOTHER WAS ONE, at least as far as I can tell. We will never know for sure. I say WAS because one of the symptoms of untreated Cushing's is an early heart attack and early death! Aside from that, Cushing's is hard enough to get diagnosed. Some people wait years, or die waiting because the treatment for their weight gain, diabetes, high blood pressure, constant agonizing pain all over, insomnia, depression, constant diarrhea, mood swings, hair loss, hirsutism, blindness, nasal issues, ADD/HD, infections, thin skin, constant feeling of heat or cold, body wide acne, cysts, bone and joint problems, thats all I can think of off the top of my head. THATS NOT BAD ENOUGH FOR YOU PEOPLE? THATS NOT SICK ENOUGH? AND Cushing's can LEAD to cancer!
THEN, there is the treatments! Its not as simple as cancer in many cases. Best case scenario, you get your pituitary tumor taken out and try to ween yourself off the overdose of cortisol your body is used to. I've had tastes of this time and I want to die. No, not "Im emo, and I want to die", no I mean "Please kill me so the pain goes away." But thats not sick enough.
So, that surgery fails. You can go back in, or they can try radiation. I have a good friend that tried that. So much, her pituitary is shot and has the texture of an eraser because of it. In that case, you get the lovely decision of living the way you are, or trading your disease for Addison's by having your adrenals taken out! Ok, so you choose that and take meds the rest of your life... Except that THIS procedure might make you grow tumors all over your brain that they cannot operate on. Thats called Nelson's disease. And this is SOOOO much better than Cancer! SURE!

Look, just because YOU don't understand what I am going through, doesn't give you the RIGHT to tell ME Im not sick enough. You have NOT FREAKING IDEA WHAT I HAVE BEEN GOING THROUGH FOR 18 YEARS! Either ask me questions and talk to people who have this for STFU!!!!

"My invisible disease is MORE REAL than YOUR medical degree!" SO STEP OFF!!!

If you Cushies have anything to add, comment so the ignorant people who read this can get a better idea of what we go through.

The Weary AND ANGRY Zebra

Posted via email from The weary Zebra: Zebra Snippets

Purple Rage

...You Wouldn't Like When I'm Angry."

 Well, I dropped off my 24hr UFC this morning, asured that both tests would be done: Cortisol and 17OHC. I was praying all day while trying to stay awake that the numbers would come in high and I would get a diagnosis. I didn't think they would be in so soon...

I got and email that they were in so I logged into the hospital's site and low and behold there it was. I read over the numbers at about 6pm and quickly posted them online for other Cushie's to desypher. About 7pm, someone comments that it is missing a crutial hormone: Cortisol. The make-it or break-it cause of my own personal hell. So I quickly logged back in on my phone while going to the movie ticket counter and I had missed that the test was for THE WRONG HORMONE! I quikly shot the endocrenologist an email and went into the theater to enjoy the flik.

Two hours later, I am ticked.

My pulse is high, I am agatated. I didnt enjoy the last 30 min of the movie and dont feel like myself. I usually annalize the heck out of most films, but had forgotten all about it with this change of emotions. I went into the restroom and quickly appoligized for my comments online about how the doctor Freaking cheated me. But thats how I felt. I felt so cheated. I quickly walked out of the restroom and I wanted to throttle the next person I came to, I was so ticked! And I had vissions of kicking the crap out of several people around me and.....I stopped. I thought, this isnt right. So I went back into the restroom and since no one was in there, I lifted my shirt...

Purple

Purple dots

Purple Stripes

PURPLE RAGE!

The color of my dots and marks told me everything I needed to know. And I looked at my phone and saw it was after 9pm. Im getting high. High on cortisol. The hormone that @#$%^&*! doctor didn't order a test for! WTH!? Ooohhh, he should be SO #$%^&* glad he wasn't there....

Needless to say, it was an intesting drive to Chili's after that. Tunnel vission down the freeway. I was aggated, focused but oblivious to anything else. My frustration at why I was frustrated (cortisol) and how stupid it was, made me MORE frustrated! I felt like I was an aderline junkie (technically I am, causes the pains apperently, when I dont have it) and I was getting my fix! But, not in a good way. I want to sleep, but cant. So, purple rage continues. Thankfully, my doting wife understands and knows Im not mad at her. Im just mad. And agated. And its not my fault. Or the doctor's fault WHO DIDN'T ORDER THE F$%^&* TESTS I ASKED FOR! No, its the cortisol. So I "rest" in solice knowing what the heck is wrong with me.

At least, one thing.... can't fix crazy...