Waking Nightmare

I know I have to be strong. I know that I have to be a better person. But I know I failed as a husband and somehow as a friend. And no one told me. Now I live this nightmare every day.

I dont know if she remembers, but Mrs. Zebra would keep me calm when I would wake from nightmares where she was gone, and I was alone. She would tell me that "We are stuck, you and me. Im not going anywhere." I wake from short stints of sleep, screaming or crying, and its not a dream. Its my reality. The one thing keeping me going through all the bullshit was her. When I came to after my tumor surgery, and she was there, I knew I had to be tough. I know that if I cant fix myself in time to save our marriage, I wont survive. I know because its already happening.

I was diagnosed with PTSD a couple of weeks ago. Something I saw while visiting friends made me see things I had repressed, including times the love of my life and I argued. I wish I could tell her. I would relive abuse from my childhood and block it out. She would get the brunt of it until I came to. Her depression and her PTSD was worse than she let on. If she had told me, I would have dropped everything to get her the help she needed. But she is gone.

I lost my job on Friday.  The car she left me will be repoed soon. I dont know what to do. And I cant even tell if Im awake or asleep. No one seems real. Between the lack of sleep, and the one thing that kept me grounded for the past 10 years being ripped away from my life, I cant function. I just want a chance to work it out with my love. Maybe court online. Something. I just need her. I want to heal her. But if I cant get passed this, I dont know what to do. I cant live without her.

She is my PTSD safe place. And she doesnt even know it. So Im slowly going insane. No one I know knows my pain. She is my soulmate. I want to go to her so bad. If she would just talk to me, and tell me she loves me, and she wants to work things out, I dont care how long it takes. I will do whatever I have to. But how do you prove that your mental issues are under control?

The day she left, she told me she loved me.

I have to believe she was telling me the truth.

But the hospital scares me. I dont have anyone to support me now.

Without her, I have no reason to live. Half a man is useless. So I am useless. This may be my last post. Ive started my last letters to friends and family if things turn that way. I dont plan on it, but she means the universe to me. I could live in a box, and as long as Im with her, I dont care.
Two months ago, we decided our girl would be named Olivia. Our son, Benjamin. I cant just let that go.
I pray that she cant either, and is just very ill. I want her to let me focus on her, and not the other way around.
If you are reading this, my love, and I dont know if you are, know that we have been  through worse. You just dont remember. And we can get through this, together. Ill come to you. Ill support us. Thats what YOU need. I dont care how sick I am, I am nothing without you. Just knowing that your love is strong is all I need. Ill do the rest. Know that.

Every day is a living nightmare. Something I have dreaded for a decade. Please, my love, just talk to me.

I love you.

Please know that.

I will be checking in to a inpatient facility soon. I have to work the courage to. And Im afraid to be evicted. I just dont know what to do after my brother dying, the love of my life leaving, the memories flooding back, and the job loss. You are my anchor, just you. I know you dont think you are a good wife. I dont know who told you that, but even at MY worse, I never said that. You are the best. The best for me. The best for us.

Im not making sense.

-The lost zebra


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