The Void and The Sun

"Moon of my Life."

Kahl Drogo

"My Sun and Stars."

―Daenerys Targaryen

What do you do when you sun, moon, and stars disappear from your sky? I am so sorry for not keeping this up. The last year has been very bad for Mr and Mrs Zebra. We have been waiting for my disability to come, and we got another denial letter, this time denial for an appeal. Mrs. Zebra had finally gotten into a therapist to cope with her anxiety, and as of Jan 1, had both health and mental health available. This is why we moved here: so we could both have the help we needed. But she couldn't hold on I guess. 

After planning Thanksgiving dinner with close friends, after holding me and telling me how much she loved me, after tell me I was "her big heater" and "I'll see you when you come home" after all of this, I found our home empty of the warmth and happiness that is my Mrs Zebra. Nothing but a note: "I am leaving you. I will not be back. I am safe." I have not heard from her since 9am on 11/27/13. She is avoiding everyone's calls and voicemails. I hope she really is safe. 

After speaking with our doctor, because we share one, all I could come up with was that she was more depressed than she let on. Maybe it is because she didn't want to bother me, or pull me down. I hope some day I will know. But when they changed her meds, she got so much worse. She must be in so much pain, because I know I am. I just want to hold her and stroke her hair and love on her. Her well being is all I care about. I only want to improve myself so I can be the pillar on which she can lean. I want to be her strength when she is weak. 

What do you do when your sun, moon, and stairs are suddenly gone from your life? The gaping maw of a black hole left when best part of you is ripped away with no explanation, no advance warning, and no immediate recourse? Without my love, my darling, I am a shell of a man, condemned to wander the endless void, looking for my lost soul mate. I know people say that you must be your own person, and I think maybe she lost herself in me, but I lost myself in her, weaving myself in her magical fibers, bathing in the wonderment that was her mind and body. When we touch, when I hear her smooth, silky voice, my world is complete. I can die happy each and every time she whispers in my ear "I love you. I will never leave you." She told me over and over I would never come home to this. But I am, and I am left to hope that she will contact me and someday, we can work this out. 

Almost 10 years of being with the most wonderful person I have ever known. She wasn't perfect, but I had learned and was learning to accept her for what she was, and in that she was perfect. -IS- perfect. The maw is so deep, it so fracturing my crushed soul, it feel as if she is lost for good. But if there is to be any repair of the bridge that connected our two hearts, she cannot come home to a broken man: the broken man who didn't realize he had become dependant on her to prop my illness up. No, not again. I am going to a therapist on Monday. I know he cant give me the answers I need. Only she can. But maybe he can help me find the man she married again, and present that to her again some day. Maybe she will get over her pain and anxiety, or learn how to communicate her feelings to those who want her to be happy. All I know for sure is I love her deeply, deeper than the deepest oceans, and I will not give up on us. I will give her the time she needs, and pray to whatever is out there to tell her I love her and miss her. 

What I know is that my sun, moon, and stars are gone. And the void is here. Deeper and darker than ever before. I want to tell her so bad, the feelings I have inside. To borrow from Staind:

My love, 

You're my world, the shelter from the rain
You're the pills that take away my pain
Youre the light that helps me find my way
You're the words when I have nothing to say

And in this world where nothing else is true
Here I am still tangled up in you
I'm still tangled up in you
Still tangled up in you

You're the fire that warms me when Im cold
You're the hand I have to hold as I grow old
You're the shore when I am lost at sea
You're the only thing that I like about me

And in this world where nothing else is true
Here I am still tangled up in you
I'm still tangled up in you

How long has it been since this storyline began
And I hope it never ends and goes like this forever

In this world where nothing else is true
Here I am still tangled up in you, tangled up in you
Im still tangled up in you
Still tangled up in you

Come back, my love, my wonderful wife. The best wife in the world, no matter how hard I was on you. I am working on that, I have been. I promise that I am fixing it. Cushing's or not, I will find a way to not let those rages affect you again. You saw I was working on it. I was getting better, and will get better. If disability wont help me, I will work what I can. I will provide a living for us. I will not let this sickness devour me anymore. I will do anything just to hold you in my arms. Please, my wonderful sweetheart, please talk to me. 

Without your love as my anchor, there is nothing but the void where our story ends. Please, dont let this end like a hollywood tragedy. Lets make this a sappy love story, where we both work on ourselves and come back and talk. Please?

If you can read this, my love, know I will keep the home fires burning. I will move mountains to be with you again. Whatever you need, as long as we can be together. I mean that. 

Lost

As I am writing this, my brother is being memorialized back in Texas. On November 12th, 2012 he was in a horrible accident and is no longer with us. Luckily  no one else was hurt in the accident. But he left a huge hole in the hearts of his friends and family. Thanks to this wretched disease, I cant afford to fly back and be there like I should be. Ive been having to stop my steroid taper not only because of the stress of his loss, but of the constant attacks from family that, until Monday, wanted little to do with me. If you have read my blog before, or even know about Cushing's, you know that people dont understand this disease from the outside. And instead of trying to understand, or just being understanding, most people turn to neglect or even hate, to deal with you. Well, thats happening right now.

My brother and I were always closer than we were to our sister. Its not her fault, really. Just circumstance. But after she married and had children, I really tried to get to know her. Even if it were just as friends, I wanted to be part of her life. I wanted my nieces and nephews to have cousins to look after and big Christmas gatherings. But the last 10 years has been hard on everyone. Im chronically ill, our mother died of complications of what I believe was Cushing's, my brother was uprooted and moved out to the country because of financial reasons, and my sister has had to re-establish herself so many times that I wonder if she will ever find a place in her life where she can just let her guard down.

After our mom died, she really came and joined the family again. I know its hard. She only had three families to try to see: ours, her husbands, and her ex's. But at some point my sister decided she no longer wanted to return phone calls or voice mail from anyone from our side. I didnt want to push it, but after months of phone calls from me, my brother, my dad, and even my wife, we all just gave up. She claims it was a technical issue, but I dont know any handset issues that effect the kids cell's too. I still think its something to do with me, but she doesn't want to hear it from anyone so she just cut everyone out.

Thanks to this disease, I cant afford to fly back to Texas to pay my respects to my little brother who died at 23 years old. Thanks to this disease, I have lost the only mother Ive ever known. And thanks to this disease, I have lost my sister. She decided that, instead of talking to me and having a family, she would rather not deal with me. Even in the wake of our brother's terrible accident, she wont call. She writes to me via Facebook, but I wont read her words anymore. They hurt too badly. She knows we tried to call, but still wont call and talk to her brother, who may never recover from this disease.

So I sit here, absolutely lost. I dont know what to do. I want to talk to my sister again, but cant until she wants to. I dont know how to handle this. By all rights, it should have been me. He had his whole life ahead of him, while Ive been sick my whole life. If I had died, no one would have been surprised. It wouldn't hurt this bad. I wish I could fix all this. I wish I could fix our family and have everyone come out to our enchanted forest and have a good time. But how do I get from here to there? I dont know. I mean, Im working on my phone anxiety. This disease isolates you. Some days its all I can do just to be social online, let alone in person. I just wish I could get my sister to understand this. Or anyone really.

I escaped death 3 weeks ago when I went through surgery. But I should have died. My dad escaped death when he survived his motorcycle crash and surgery. So much death. I wish I knew what to do. I just want us to be family again. I love my sister, despite all faults. And I choose my family, and I choose her. Just like my father decided he didn't want me, but my dad did. I just dont know what to do.

Im so lost.