I crushed my ladybug

Thats what her nickname was. Ladybug. Our first night in Seattle, I ran and made a copy of the key to our home, and gave her a ladybug key. She loved that key. I crushed my ladybug. I drove her away. I didnt mean to. Im sick. But I didnt have the tools to control my cortisol-fuled temper. 

Ive been bawling nonstop for an hour. She wont pick up my phone. If she would, Id call her. If I wants afraid of making her mad, I would call her. BUt I am. I need her so bad. And shes gone. The one who stood by me when I was covered in urine and blood from brain surgery. Shes gone. Because the surgery didnt fix me, and because no one gave me tools to fight the mood swings. The most wonderful women in the world left me. 
She took half of me with her, all the good parts. 

Im left in pain, a pain so deep I will never escape. 
I dont deserve to. 
I deserve to die. 
And we have ice on the roads tomorrow. 
convenient, I think. 
One can hope to be sideswyped...


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