Nobody's Listening

What day is it? Monday?
I thought it was Thursday.
I thought yesterday was too.
What do you mean I wasn't at work
Yesterday? I thought you said
Yesterday was Sunday, not Thursday?
Is it true?
No, I'm fine.
(The ants crawling over your face
They are supposed to be there.)
What do you mean I don't look good?
(I can barely stay awake, this isn't fair.)
What do you mean? (Did I fall asleep in my chair? )
I haven't got a call since you've been standing there.
Fuck this, 
I'm stepping out

When did the hall become a tunnel?
Just focus. This will all be over soon.
The ants are crawling. Be careful.
Tomorrow you have an interview.
Like that will help.
The stairs are so far down. I'm dizzy.
The ants are following.
The cat is back. Just keep busy.

And I just want to be home again.
Step. Breathe. 
Step, Step Breath
Step. Breathe.
Hold the rail. 
Step. Breathe.
Step, step breath
Step Breathe.
Use the cane.
Step. Breathe 
Step. Breathe.
Hold the rail.
That was close. 
Step. Breathe.
Step. Breathe.
To the bottom
Out the door.
The car feels so far away.
I just need to get there.
Step. Breathe.
Step. Breathe.
I just have to make it
Through the day.
And the next. And next.
Step. Breathe.
I'm still in the tunnel,
Now it's outside.
Nothing looks real.
Pastel colors.
It's all made of chalk.
The ants look real enough.
(but they aren't)
People are looking at me.
Have I been talking out loud?
Sorry, just thinking out loud
(please someone help me)
Get in
Jack in
Crank it up,
Roll them down
I need to wake up
Get the pain down
Hold it
Hit play
Don't think about the ants.
Where am I?
What's their deal?
Why am I driving?
Fuck off ass wipe.
I was at work
Taking a break
Now Im here
Swerving jerks
What day is today?
Still? Are you sure?
Maybe tomorrow will be better.
Maybe the ants will go away
And the cat will follow
And time will make sense
Not like today
And the tunnel will lift
And colors return
And life will fill this man
Or someone will learn
What this is like,
your own personal hell
Where yelling and screaming
And feeling insane
From raging and fighting
And panic are the main
names of the game
That you'd rather play
Because it masks the pain
And gives you energy
And sometimes focus
And clarity to see
Even for a moment,
Before the waves
Of rage and and self hate
Wash over,
That the last few weeks
You were pushing too hard
Killing yourself
Getting charred
And burnt out
And I tell my friends.
They can't help
Most don't understand
And in that pit,
Nobody's Listening
And I tell my family
But few are there
Most chosen
And there happily
But can't help
And in that pit,
Nobody's Listening.
It hasn't been this bad in years.
I'm falling apart.
I'm being dragged into that tunnel
By my worst fears.
And even the doctors join in.
And it feels
And seems
And looks
As if 

The last few weeks, I've been suffering from severe adrenal fatigue. The day I described above actually happened to me recently. I feel like this just takes over and I have been told I don't need extra steroids. That may be true, and I'm sure it is on average, yet my body doesn't know that.
For the past few months prior, I started what is called by some as "rapid cycling". My cortisol highs would happen in the early morning and evening, with two crashes, as it felt. Then, I remember realising that wasn't happening anymore. And my hallucinations were starting back up, with new ones. The ants are new.
I decided to take 5mg of hydrocortisone to help alleviate the symptoms. Two hours later, nothing. I dosed again, another 15, and I felt more normal. This broke the stagnate low, and I'm cycling again. Now I can see what was happening.
The worst part was being suicidal, but not having the energy to act on it. The irony being if I had, I wouldn't be suicidal. But I could have stepped into oncoming traffic, and the thought or dream occurred often. And breaking the stagnation helped me feel more creative, even if it was shit. It is from the heart.
I don't know how much longer I have. I'm scared, and feel like I have no hope.
The Weary and Worried Zebra


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