I think its #6 anyway. Im not looking right now. Probably have 10 #6s up there right now. It shows how stupid I can be. This is what I wanted to talk about. The depression. I think I mentioned it in an earlier one, and if so don't bother reading this one. A reader told me on twitter that I have inspired her to blog. Well, Im glad it helped someone. I try. Sometimes I dont think I make any sense, or make any difference. I feel so alone sometimes. Like right now. My cortisol is high, I know that, but my hormones are crazy and I feel so down. Like I am alone in the world. Like the people online are so far removed, and my family doesnt understand or is avoiding me because of my illness. I just want to die when I get this feeling. And the only thing that gets me through the day is the knowledge that its hormonal. Its hard to remember with any kind of rational thought that all the feelings are wrong. That people do care about you. That your skin will stop crawling, that the cat that you see isn't really there, that the nightmares will one day stop. Its hard.
This is to anyone that finds my blogs helpful in any way: Make a comment if you can. A little feedback goes a long way. 21 days until I go to Dr. Ludlum's Cushie Camp. I just want the elephant off my chest and to feel human again.
4 comments:
You express out loud what I can only think inside, I admire your courage. Keep up the good work.
I remember feeling that way. Don't ever doubt that it can get better, because it can, and it will. You are not alone.
Dara, I dont have any courage. I just want to help others if I can. Honesty, I feel like I am whining. But when I get comments like that, it is affirmation that I am not going insane, that something really is wrong with me.
Anonymous, Thank you. I get my testing in 3 weeks and Im still worried. Im worried I wont do it right, or they wont find anything. It depresses me to the point where I feel like I am wasting my time. And I get so low, I dont even want to go on FB or the Cushings forums and talk. And the last time I did, i was ousted on FB so bad I ended up deleting a girl I grew up with. She just refused to understand. Yet another reason I feel alone.
First & foremost: YOU ARE NOT ALONE. I can't speak for anyone but me but I can tell you the stuff you are expieriencing happens to me, too. The depression can be so overwhelming that it becomes nauseating. Your blog helps me all the time...it helps remind me that I am not alone and that I'm not crazy..it is the disease doing this to all of us. Let's stick together and FIGHT..FIGHT..FIGHT. Don't let it win and remember...light is at the end of this tunnel. I can see it for you--camp Cushie, here you come!
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