Today I am 17 Days out from surgery. Im beginning to have some 2nd and even 3rd thoughts about it. This is battling with the rational thought that I NEED this surgery. I just thought I would get some of these out.
Im afraid I might not make it through surgery.
Im afraid of giving myself injections. Im afraid of weening. Im afraid of being alone. Im afraid I will be a burden on my father-in-law. Im afraid no one will visit me, as is common with Cushing's. Im afraid my pituitary will never turn back on. Im afraid my adrenals wont ever work right again. Im afraid I wont know what to do with myself when I AM better. Im afraid of my life being so different afterwards. Im afraid nothing will happen. Im afraid the surgeon will sneeze during surgery. Im afraid an earthquake will strike during surgery. Im afraid of an electrical outage during surgery. Im afraid I wont be thought of. Im afraid.
6 comments:
Oh Brandon, you poor thing! You're letting your Cushie brain run away with you. :( I'm pretty sure that nearly all of your fears aren't gonna happen, and of course there are no guarantees in this life, but you're in good hands, you're young, and you've got the best chance at a good outcome. Go and make a list of all the good things that might happen...no more fatigue, no more insomnia, no more roid rages..you know that you need this surgery, all will be well. (((hugs)))
Jenny is right. List the good possibilities. Let Mrs. Zebra help with that list so she won't be so afraid either.
Courage my friend. Cushing's is making its last stand by making you fearful. Courage is doing what must be done in spite of fear. You can do this.
I agree with the others, Brandon-- you're gonna do GREAT, but I have to say, I'm kinda blown away by your list... you're thinking about exactly the same things as I was before surgery.
I was totally worried about the earthquake thing (surgery in LA!!!) and I'm still freaked out by the idea of how much my personality might change when I'm cured and no longer have massive amounts of cortisol coursing through my veins. It's freaky! We've both lived with this disease for so long and life IS gonna be different when we're cured. I think it's fear of the unknown really.
Your right Sara. I think it is feer of the unknown. 18 years I was told nothing was wrong with me and in the corse of 1, not only do I find out I'm VERY sick, but on mt way to a "cure". I thought about making a "hope" list but I don't know where to start. Thank you all for your kind words. It means so much!
I have been having some of these exact same fears about my upcoming pituitary surgery and thought I was just being paranoid or irrational. It's nice to know someone else was thinking the same things:) Thank you for posting.
To the last poster, I would love to know when your surgery is and where. You can email me at any time.
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