I crushed my ladybug

Thats what her nickname was. Ladybug. Our first night in Seattle, I ran and made a copy of the key to our home, and gave her a ladybug key. She loved that key. I crushed my ladybug. I drove her away. I didnt mean to. Im sick. But I didnt have the tools to control my cortisol-fuled temper. 

Ive been bawling nonstop for an hour. She wont pick up my phone. If she would, Id call her. If I wants afraid of making her mad, I would call her. BUt I am. I need her so bad. And shes gone. The one who stood by me when I was covered in urine and blood from brain surgery. Shes gone. Because the surgery didnt fix me, and because no one gave me tools to fight the mood swings. The most wonderful women in the world left me. 

She took half of me with her, all the good parts. 

Im left in pain, a pain so deep I will never escape. 

I dont deserve to. 

I deserve to die. 

And we have ice on the roads tomorrow. 

convenient, I think. 

One can hope to be sideswyped...

Alone and Sick

Today was especially hard. Mrs. Zebra would help me out on days like this. I honestly dont know how I even made it to work and home. On days like today, she would drive me to work or I would get enough support that I could barely make it in, and would let me relax when I got home. I fell out of bed this morning. I literally had to crawl to my steroids and take some. My memory decided to elude me and I couldnt find my cane. It was in the car. The last week, Ive been on a steroid high, my adrenals working overtime. They are gone now; empty. Drove like 10 under the speed limit all the way to work, after running late as it was. Just couldnt get going. I hurt constantly, but worse now. Depression really does hurt. After work, I had to pick up an Rx so I stopped by the store on the way home. It took me an hour to pick up a frozen pizza, and my Rx. All the electric carts were taken. My brain fog was in full effect as I wondered the 20°F parking lot for nearly 20 min, because I couldnt remember where I parked. Turns out I passed it twice, once being when I exited the store. I called my dad today, and he just told me to "get over" my illness. Because brain tumors are easy to ignore, right?

I usually cheerfully take these trials on, knowing my sweetheart is home waiting to hug me. I have no reason to live now. Why fight?

What is the point?

Depressed and in pain Zebra. 

So hard

I saw the therapist today. He saved me from the psych ward. The doctor saw me break down from entering the clinic, since the moon of my life wasn't there, and wanted to admit me. He brokered a deal where I give my firearms to a friend. Hopefully I can get some tools to recognize the physical symptoms of the hulk before I wake up him again, so I can at least escape and not hurt anyone. While I try and hold it together, read this. 

My Wichita Girl

She is my world

She came into my life

Then became my wife

It was us against the world

Me and My Wichita Girl

I was in a dark place

And then I saw her face

Her dimpled smile

blond hair blue eyes

and a body to die for

I had to speak to her

Then she messaged me

That wichita girl.

When we first met

my heart skipped a beat

I couldn't believe it

She really drove to met me

She became my world

My wichita girl

When my mama died

When my brain did fry

When I almost died

she was standing right beside me

When I couldn't walk

When I couldn't talk

when I needed a helping hand

She is the best wife in the land

My wichita girl

Now Im all alone

Now Im on my own

A broken man

That great big blonde

is broken too

and just couldn't withstand

But I still pine

and dream at night 

For my wichita girl.

The Void and The Sun

"Moon of my Life."

Kahl Drogo

"My Sun and Stars."

―Daenerys Targaryen

What do you do when you sun, moon, and stars disappear from your sky? I am so sorry for not keeping this up. The last year has been very bad for Mr and Mrs Zebra. We have been waiting for my disability to come, and we got another denial letter, this time denial for an appeal. Mrs. Zebra had finally gotten into a therapist to cope with her anxiety, and as of Jan 1, had both health and mental health available. This is why we moved here: so we could both have the help we needed. But she couldn't hold on I guess. 

After planning Thanksgiving dinner with close friends, after holding me and telling me how much she loved me, after tell me I was "her big heater" and "I'll see you when you come home" after all of this, I found our home empty of the warmth and happiness that is my Mrs Zebra. Nothing but a note: "I am leaving you. I will not be back. I am safe." I have not heard from her since 9am on 11/27/13. She is avoiding everyone's calls and voicemails. I hope she really is safe. 

After speaking with our doctor, because we share one, all I could come up with was that she was more depressed than she let on. Maybe it is because she didn't want to bother me, or pull me down. I hope some day I will know. But when they changed her meds, she got so much worse. She must be in so much pain, because I know I am. I just want to hold her and stroke her hair and love on her. Her well being is all I care about. I only want to improve myself so I can be the pillar on which she can lean. I want to be her strength when she is weak. 

What do you do when your sun, moon, and stairs are suddenly gone from your life? The gaping maw of a black hole left when best part of you is ripped away with no explanation, no advance warning, and no immediate recourse? Without my love, my darling, I am a shell of a man, condemned to wander the endless void, looking for my lost soul mate. I know people say that you must be your own person, and I think maybe she lost herself in me, but I lost myself in her, weaving myself in her magical fibers, bathing in the wonderment that was her mind and body. When we touch, when I hear her smooth, silky voice, my world is complete. I can die happy each and every time she whispers in my ear "I love you. I will never leave you." She told me over and over I would never come home to this. But I am, and I am left to hope that she will contact me and someday, we can work this out. 

Almost 10 years of being with the most wonderful person I have ever known. She wasn't perfect, but I had learned and was learning to accept her for what she was, and in that she was perfect. -IS- perfect. The maw is so deep, it so fracturing my crushed soul, it feel as if she is lost for good. But if there is to be any repair of the bridge that connected our two hearts, she cannot come home to a broken man: the broken man who didn't realize he had become dependant on her to prop my illness up. No, not again. I am going to a therapist on Monday. I know he cant give me the answers I need. Only she can. But maybe he can help me find the man she married again, and present that to her again some day. Maybe she will get over her pain and anxiety, or learn how to communicate her feelings to those who want her to be happy. All I know for sure is I love her deeply, deeper than the deepest oceans, and I will not give up on us. I will give her the time she needs, and pray to whatever is out there to tell her I love her and miss her. 

What I know is that my sun, moon, and stars are gone. And the void is here. Deeper and darker than ever before. I want to tell her so bad, the feelings I have inside. To borrow from Staind:

My love, 

You're my world, the shelter from the rain
You're the pills that take away my pain
Youre the light that helps me find my way
You're the words when I have nothing to say

And in this world where nothing else is true
Here I am still tangled up in you
I'm still tangled up in you
Still tangled up in you

You're the fire that warms me when Im cold
You're the hand I have to hold as I grow old
You're the shore when I am lost at sea
You're the only thing that I like about me

And in this world where nothing else is true
Here I am still tangled up in you
I'm still tangled up in you

How long has it been since this storyline began
And I hope it never ends and goes like this forever

In this world where nothing else is true
Here I am still tangled up in you, tangled up in you
Im still tangled up in you
Still tangled up in you

Come back, my love, my wonderful wife. The best wife in the world, no matter how hard I was on you. I am working on that, I have been. I promise that I am fixing it. Cushing's or not, I will find a way to not let those rages affect you again. You saw I was working on it. I was getting better, and will get better. If disability wont help me, I will work what I can. I will provide a living for us. I will not let this sickness devour me anymore. I will do anything just to hold you in my arms. Please, my wonderful sweetheart, please talk to me. 

Without your love as my anchor, there is nothing but the void where our story ends. Please, dont let this end like a hollywood tragedy. Lets make this a sappy love story, where we both work on ourselves and come back and talk. Please?

If you can read this, my love, know I will keep the home fires burning. I will move mountains to be with you again. Whatever you need, as long as we can be together. I mean that. 

Nobody's Listening

What day is it? Monday?
I thought it was Thursday.
I thought yesterday was too.
What do you mean I wasn't at work
Yesterday? I thought you said
Yesterday was Sunday, not Thursday?
Is it true?

No, I'm fine.

(The ants crawling over your face
They are supposed to be there.)
What do you mean I don't look good?
(I can barely stay awake, this isn't fair.)
What do you mean? (Did I fall asleep in my chair? )
I haven't got a call since you've been standing there.
Fuck this, 

I'm stepping out

When did the hall become a tunnel?
Just focus. This will all be over soon.
The ants are crawling. Be careful.
Tomorrow you have an interview.
Like that will help.

The stairs are so far down. I'm dizzy.
The ants are following.
The cat is back. Just keep busy.

And I just want to be home again.

Step. Breathe. 

Step, Step Breath
Step. Breathe.
Hold the rail. 

Step. Breathe.

Step, step breath

Step Breathe.
Use the cane.
Step. Breathe 

Step. Breathe.
Hold the rail.
HOLD IT!
sigh
That was close. 

Step
Step. Breathe.
Step. Breathe.
To the bottom
Out the door.

The car feels so far away.
I just need to get there.
Step. Breathe.
Step. Breathe.
I just have to make it
Through the day.
And the next. And next.
Step. Breathe.

I'm still in the tunnel,
Now it's outside.
Nothing looks real.
Pastel colors.
Styrofoam
It's all made of chalk.
The ants look real enough.
(but they aren't)
People are looking at me.
Have I been talking out loud?
Sorry, just thinking out loud
(please someone help me)

Unlock
Get in
Jack in
Crank it up,
Roll them down
I need to wake up
Get the pain down
Inhale
Hold it
Exhale
Hit play

Don't think about the ants.

HONK HONK!
Where am I?
What's their deal?
Why am I driving?
Fuck off ass wipe.
I was at work
Taking a break
Now Im here
Swerving jerks
What day is today?
Thursday
Still? Are you sure?
Ok
Maybe tomorrow will be better.
Maybe the ants will go away
And the cat will follow
And time will make sense
Not like today
And the tunnel will lift
And colors return
And life will fill this man
Or someone will learn
What this is like,
your own personal hell
Where yelling and screaming
And feeling insane
From raging and fighting
And panic are the main
names of the game
That you'd rather play
Because it masks the pain
And gives you energy
And sometimes focus
And clarity to see
Even for a moment,
Before the waves
Of rage and and self hate
Wash over,
That the last few weeks
You were pushing too hard
Killing yourself
Getting charred
And burnt out

And I tell my friends.
They can't help
Most don't understand
And in that pit,
Nobody's Listening

And I tell my family
But few are there
Most chosen
And there happily
But can't help
And in that pit,
Nobody's Listening.

It hasn't been this bad in years.
I'm falling apart.
I'm being dragged into that tunnel
By my worst fears.
And even the doctors join in.
And it feels
And seems
And looks
As if 

No
Body
Is
Listening

The last few weeks, I've been suffering from severe adrenal fatigue. The day I described above actually happened to me recently. I feel like this just takes over and I have been told I don't need extra steroids. That may be true, and I'm sure it is on average, yet my body doesn't know that.
For the past few months prior, I started what is called by some as "rapid cycling". My cortisol highs would happen in the early morning and evening, with two crashes, as it felt. Then, I remember realising that wasn't happening anymore. And my hallucinations were starting back up, with new ones. The ants are new.
I decided to take 5mg of hydrocortisone to help alleviate the symptoms. Two hours later, nothing. I dosed again, another 15, and I felt more normal. This broke the stagnate low, and I'm cycling again. Now I can see what was happening.
The worst part was being suicidal, but not having the energy to act on it. The irony being if I had, I wouldn't be suicidal. But I could have stepped into oncoming traffic, and the thought or dream occurred often. And breaking the stagnation helped me feel more creative, even if it was shit. It is from the heart.

I don't know how much longer I have. I'm scared, and feel like I have no hope.

The Weary and Worried Zebra

Really? I mean REALLY?

I dont get it.

I have enough on my plate to warrant the average person to wish to commit suicide. I do. Not the average person in any particular social or economic spectrum, just in general. Lets see, just a short list: I live with a brain tumor that causes me to go for days without sleeping, bouts of rage and fatigue, hormone deficiencies, nutrient deficiencies, constant pain, I cant work and because of it I face homelessness for my wife and I, I have little access to medical facilities, the only way we get food is threatened to be cut with the politics in D.C., what little I DO for money actually aggravates the disease, I spend 1/5 of my income just getting to and from the only job I can find, my living family has all but abandoned me, my wife's family all hates me, most of my friends are also sick and most are online, my wife is sick and out of work and I cant provide for her, and my life span is pretty much set in stone for me. I think I covered everything, but Im sure there is more.

The point is, there is A LOT I can point to and say "That's why I DESERVE to end it. I want the pain to end!" But so far, I have failed in that, thanks to many of you meddling people reading this. What KILLS me, no pun intended, is when people have WAY LESS to deal with, and are just having a rough day or week. Or maybe they had a fight with their significant other and are picking up the pieces. You see, Ive had that. And I had ALL OF THE ABOVE to deal with at the same time.

I know everyone's struggle is different, and maybe that rough patch IS the hardest part of their life to date. I don't know. What I do know, is that Ive had to deal with it, AND all of the above. And if I haven't, at least you dont have ALL OF THE ABOVE to deal with too. Quit bitching. Yes, its hard. Yes, its easier to give up. Yet, I do not. I find a reason to get up out of bed each day, even when it literally is the hardest part of my day. Even when I literally have to be carried out of bed, I make it. When when I have to be spoon fed, and its happened, or have had to be changed out of sheets I have urinated in, I push. And it pisses me off, again no pun intended, to see people who could carry half of MY burden and still be ok, bitch and moan and tell me they contemplate suicide. I understand depression, as it is a daily struggle with me and my wife, and most people I know. And it clouds the mind. I have to keep reminding myself that while I deserve for the pain to end, those around me dont deserve to hurt on my account. And the only thing worse to me than my life is hurting those I care about.

If you know me, you probably struggle. But any time you feel like you want end your life, read this. Or call me. Or text me. Ask me how my day was. Tell me you really want to know. If I cant make you feel better, at least I can make you thankful you arent in my shoes. And there are people who struggle just like me, sometimes even worse than me. This letter isnt for you. You know what Im talking about.

And Im not comparing who is suffering more. Im just tired of people telling me how they are going to kill themselves, how their life is so bad, and about so little, especially when you know people like me. Venting is one thing, but I feel like when people tell me this that they are again judging me and people like me. I dont kill myself, so they dont have much to stand on.

The Weary and very Annoyed Zebra

And thanks for letting me rant. Things have been rough, and we are in danger of getting evicted again. We have some irons in the fire, but nothing is for certain  If you could help us get through the next few months, we would really appreciate it. We are trying to raise $3000, which is 3 months rent. Thanks to all who have donated, and I ask only that you share the page with people you know, and we appreciate any donations.

Click here to Donate to our Rent fund.

In gratitude,
A Humble Zebra

Shackled by my Sentence.

I hope you all forgive me for not updating my blog sooner. Nothing has really gotten much better. My testosterone was replaced since last I posted. That has helped some things. But overall no big change. Thats why I havent posted anything. Nothing much to post.

Today was an interesting day. Overall a great day, in my book. And on days like today, Im able to better reflect on my situation. And its worse than I ever imagined. Today, I was in a cortisol high. So today was a different mind set than usual. Let me take you through the day.

I didnt sleep well at all last night.

I was hot, I have pinched nerves everywhere. Both arms are going numb no matter what positon Im in. But when I was able to sleep, I got the most vivid dreams. The only times Ive ever had these kind of dreams is when Im able to sleep durring a cortisol episode. And as usual, it was a nightmare.

In the dream, my mother and brother were both alive again. I was telling them all about our new home in Washington. My sister was there, and she was laughing and having a good time like we were. My dad was there, so happy. Like nothing was wrong. And my brother gets in his car to get something from the store, and he's T-Boned, right in front of me. Of us. My mother is there, sobbing as her baby is taken from her, and passes away in front of me. I loose them all over again. Over the next several hours, I drift between awake and asleep, seeing this over and over.

After one fit, I realise Im running late and it makes me so angry. Trying to keep it under wraps, I fumble through my morning, warning Mrs. Zebra that she is ok, but to watch out for me. She is so sweet. I just want to hold her and thank her, but this train isnt going that direction. All I can do is pull as hard as I can on the brake if I know the train is headed the wrong way, and hope for the best. I dont even remember what was setting me off, but I remember dropping everything I touched. The clumsiness comes with the corisol, and with that comes embarrassment  which turns to anger. To make my morning worse, I remember that I am broke after both of us the night before were too exhausted to cook dinner. We splurged on two Jr hamburgers. And that ate up what little money we had left. So I couldn't take the ferry, but instead had to drive the full hour to work. On my spare.

The enire way to my part time job (yep, only place that will take me, 1hr away), I tried so hard not to beat the cops to the police station. Luckly, traffic was on my side, and only a few people were told where to stick their hand and attitude. By now, Im very worried about the people who I have to make nice with to get donations. What will happen when the part of my brain that tells me to hang up on the crude, rude person on the line stops functioning? At least Im not in ANY pain. Yep. No pain. Thats what a cortisol high will do for you in the short term. Unfortunately  I had forgotten to grab my urine jug and cooler, or call in. I wasted several good urine collection opportunities. But Im collecting now.

Anyway, no rude people. Not one. Not a great day, mind you, but not one rude person. So I didnt blow up like I should have for my case. Doubled edged sword. The easy ride home gave me chances to reflect on my situation. My depression is almost 100% fatigue and stress. Doesn't cure the issue, but reaffirms my theory  And if something doesn't change soon, we will be homeless. Ive been very fortunate so far. But Im scared. If this day were every day, I could work. But Im up at 2:30am, and my mind and body feel good enough to write this. There is always a price. And that price will be any productivity when I crash, and for several days later. Probably tomorrow. But maybe this will last. Im hoping it does.

And of course, I have all this energy, and I cant focus on anything  This may SEEM put together, but I come back and add and take things as I come and go to other things. Thats probably one of the worst parts. That and the misplaced rage. Thats what I hate about this disease. Plans? I cant make plans. If I dont push myself to my breaking point, I cant do anything. I cant work. I cant go to school. And Im terrified every day of talking to people. I havent talked to some people in months. Im AFRAID to. Why? Lots of reasons. Only some rational. IDK. I just wish I could get someone to listen. I even wrote Jay Inslee, the WA governor. Not even a big EFF YOU.

Its pouring outside. Sounds so nice.

I just wish I could escape. Not just for me, but for everyone around me. I hate being so goddamn useless. And thats what I am. Useless. Im a wage slave, and because of it I cant do anything I can ACTUALLY do. In an ideal situation, I can work when I can, form home. But thats ideal. Not reality. And the longer I stay underemployed, the further I fall behind.

No wonder my family wont speak to me. Im useless.

The doctors dont care. They have all but said those words. So if I can get a few good UFCs, maybe I can get teh warden to raise an eyebrow. Because the system doesn't care that Im a prisoner of my own body. I got a day furrow, and Im tempted to keep going. To supplement this with my steroid pills. Its so hard being an addict to something your body makes too much of, especially when there is no on/off switch. For one day, I got to see what a semi-normal life might feel like. It wasn't my first taste, but it was just as sweet. Everyday, I loose hope of that every again.

Did anyone see the warden?

The Wired Weary Zebra